I spent the next month or so of the summer in a daze of micro-insanity. I was so frequently drunk that I was compared to Joan Rivers and my libido swelled to monumental proportions. I couldn't pass a moment of existence without stressing out about my next True Love. I desperately searched for him at work; perhaps he is the cute boy who brashly left the curtain to his fitting room open just enough for me to glimpse saucy bits of flesh here and there; at the grocery store, are you the man standing beside me as I contemplate which peaches look the most delectable? Or finally are you the most handsome man at the pool who we watch show off on the diving board and then by chance find ourselves positioned in such a way on the side of the pool that I am able to catch a glimpse of your tender vittles up the leg of your shorts? Nope. He isn't any of these men. He is the thirty+ man with the leather cap. God that hat was stupid.

I had decided to accompany my dear friend to our favorite out of village gay cruising night, and for some strange reason I had resolved myself to a evening of sobriety. That didn't last long. Sober me is apparently much more approachable than my usual drunken counterpart, and the courteous liquor pig inside of me simply cannot refuse a liquid gift from a cute, or even semi-cute potential True Love. Good old "Leather Hat" proved really generous with the liquid gifts and also had a devious flask of whiskey, which he was more than willing to let me sip from. I happened to be wearing a slutty tank top, tits all the way out, and he focused the assault of his unconventional seduction with a storm of praise for my chest tattoo. However, instead of just letting me know how nice he felt it was, he insisted on repeating over and over that that he had envisioned the exact same design for himself (little did he know that what he was seeing was the tragic outcome of getting horrible tattoos at an early age). So finally after we have come to the conclusion that the tattoo on my chest was derived completely apart from his personal vision I got drunk and we had a little more substantial conversation. Suddenly out of nowhere, this horrible young man, let's call him the "good-for-nothing turd" (he was a racial minority and everything else I can come up with seems racist), who had intentionally insulted me earlier in the evening, tries to intercept "Leather Hat's" attentions. He soon sees that LH is still more interested in me and tries to introduce the idea of a threesome, but does so by trying to make a metaphor linking the deer tattooed on my chest to a lamb meaning that I am advertising myself as a slut-pig-bottom and should be glad to get fucked by both of them. This was really the straw that broke the camel's back, by now I had really had enough. That hat was dumb anyways, so I tell the "good-for-nothing turd" that I would rather he just died and to "Leather Hat" I say good night and give him some suggestive cheek kisses.

Luckily for my ego I'm kind of a mega babe, and "Leather Hat" decided to follow me. At this point I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I had won this miniature competition and I felt like I really accomplished something. "Leather hat" decided to accompany me to another party, but before hand he must get his bag that was no longer easily accessible because the coat-check girl has hopped ship. "Leather Hat" then hopped the counter and retrieved his bag, but on the way back to my side discovered Coat-check girl's secret pretzel stash. He proceeded to stuff himself with his plunder, while I impatiently waited on the other side apparently looking as delectable and tempting as the enormous bag of pretzels in his hands. He told me that he was really tempted to kiss me at particular moment, just before stuffing himself with another handful of salted treats. Drunken coy little me neglects to think about the consequences of a mouth full of pretzels, and tells monsieur to go for it. Leather hat mounts the coat check desk and lays a particularly filthy French one on me, generously transferring his partially masticated plunder from his mouth to mine. The night really plummeted from there, next stop pretentious "art show" where I got a tray of coffee liquor shots dumped all over me and ending off at McDonald's where I sobered up but still let him give me one final chicken nugget and cigarette flavored smooch goodbye. I gave old "Leather Hat" my number, but not surprisingly he never used it. So all I have to remember of that dear fellow is the particular salty mush associated with his kiss. Adieu to you fair "Leather Hat".

AMW

In the Beginning: the Genesis of True Love.

It all started early this summer. I was finishing up a ridiculous summer semester where I overloaded myself with courses, work and a completely inappropriate relationship. I was balancing my emotional stability by projecting a false depth/security onto this relationship so that I would not succumb to the hideous beast that my unmanageable school responsibilities had become. One day the reality of said relationship, that I had just begun to start thinking that Love word could apply to, was undeniably revealed. A few careless words and I had to accept it. Bonjour summer nervous breakdown part one. Opening ceremony me on my knees blubbering like a big idiot on the side of the running path on the Mount Royal. Au revoir monsieur "landscape architect" and welcome True Love. There were a few weeks of postponing the breakup to use him to help me with certain school projects and getting used to single life chastity, but as I was about to explode with sexyness True Love experiment number one "the tourist" comes into the picture. After the innumerable vulgar, forward and slutty things I have said to boys this does not seem too ultimately risqué, but my dear friend who has been present for the majority of my escapades insists it was something special. We mysteriously find ourselves at Parking a gay club known for its "rumored" sex room and classy cliental. I have been smiling like a big dork at cute boys all night trying to see who will take the bait. I caught one young man's eye while I was trying to dazzle his handsome young friend, who incidentally was in a relationship with their old man friend, go figure. Anyways, we make some phony conversation for a little while. I find out he lives in Halifax. I think perfect! you will be my

guinea pig to test my new hussy life style on. So I take his number and tell him I will show him around on the weekend, or something equally false. On the walk home I text him and say that if he remembers me tomorrow he gets to have sex with me. He assures me he won't and he didn't. The following evening he invites me to his friend's birthday party at Green Room where he gets me fairly drunk, touches me and holds my hand like we had been dating for a month and introduces me to all of his friends numerous times. He gets all the way party drunk himself and tells me about how there are no decent men in Halifax and he is really glad he met me. In my head I'm thinking did all those shots of vodka chased with beers make you forget the text message that brought us together tonight? What a lunatic I've gotten myself into. But. Im still brimming with sexyness that needs to get out of me, so I allow him to come home with me as he insisted. And we proceed to have sex, or try to have sex. He is physically to drunk to fuck and too much of a baby to take it like a man. He, however, insists on trying for at least an hour taking two text message breaks one of which occurs while I'm trying to insert his half-erection slinky dick inside of me. I finally get so grossed out about the whole situation that I jack off onto a sock trying to procure the sexiest mental image of his dumb flaccid dicked body and tell him to go to bed. In the morning he rushed out, probably in some intense hangover pain and extreme embarrassment. "The Tourist" has contacted me a few times since the incident, I at first politely evaded seeing him again on his visit, and then the next couple of times we spoke he proved himself to be quite an amusing young man, a real stand up guy! Who would have guessed it!

AMW